From the Heart of a Woman

When was the last time you read a devotional book? Not one of the medieval classics, mind you, something that came out in the nineties. If it has roses on it, or a slender, tastefully dressed woman celebrating on a beach, so much the better. Seriously, go to a bookstore if they still exist in your area and take a look at one. If you can’t be bothered, allow me to quote.

Here’s a delightful little ditty quoted in Inspiring Devotions for Women. Spot the heresies for extra points!

God is like a blanket always ready to be wrapped around you.

God is like a chair always ready to hold you.

God is like a pair of arms always ready to wrap you in a hug.

God is like anything you can think of, only much better and sweeter.

I mean, seriously, is that even a poem? I’m sitting in a coffee shop and I could literally crap those out every time I lift my head up.

God is like an iPhone, always ready to give you a call.

God is like an espresso machine, always ready to offer a boost.

God is like a barista, to give you excellent customer service.

God is like a coffee shop, only better, because He’s God.

There. Publish that, Zondervan. Send me my royalties and pay for my lunch, dammit. Geez.

Keep on flipping through that book. Go ahead. I dare you. One minute devotions are completely ludicrous. I mean, what do you expect to learn about God in one minute? An easily memorized saying? If you want your reading to take a minute a day then buy a stack of bumper stickers, or better yet, get a Twitter account. One book I’m looking at literally consists of three sentences per devotion. I can save you a lot of time by summing them up for you right now. They’re perfect for the struggling Christian in your life. Here’s how they go. “You often can’t tell if God is blessing you. But He is. Thank God right now for blessing you.”

This how how things seem, but this is how things are. Now pray about it. Man, I feel better already.

You could spend all day at a bookstore and it wouldn’t take you long to see patterns emerging. Most devotions are a lot alike. Most of them are pretty shallow. Most of them have a little “presented to” page in the front, where the gift giver can write the name and date and a heartfelt note. This is primarily designed to make you feel bad so you can’t sell the book to Half-Price Books and buy yourself some actual theology. You don’t seem to have to be particularly literate to do any of this. One devotional I read couldn’t seem to make up its mind whether it’s a cookbook or a devotional. One of the “spiritual action plans” that closed each chapter was an exhortation to “clean out your cupboards” (the long short-changed eleventh commandment) — and it wasn’t a metaphor.

Cupboards? I mean, hell, man. Freaking cupboards?

So my roommate and I got thinking. Can’t ANYONE write a devotional? You get the lingo, you get the formula, you get some generic clip art, and you’re done. And people buy these things! Millions of them! Max Lucado could probably build guest homes out of handfuls of cash from the money he’s made selling devotions.

I am an English major. My roommate is a philosophy major. Today we ate leftovers off of someone else’s table in a restaurant, and we want to be rich.

So here’s your chance, Internet. We’re going to write the biggest, longest, grandest, most inspirational daily devotional ever written, and we need your help. It is super-easy. Just send your devotions to us, and we’ll make a book and sell them.

“But Laura,” you say, “I can’t write a devotional.” And Laura says, yes you can, Internet. Yes you can.

Here’s how it goes.

1) What happened to you today? Think about it. It can be anything. “Today my roommate Lauren and I were in a coffee shop and the couple at the table sitting next to us ordered sandwiches. They each took a bite, ate their potato chips, and left. Lauren and I looked at each other, picked up their sandwiches, cut off the bite marks, and ate them.”

Okay, you’ve got your anecdote. Now, this is the important part.

2) SOMETIMES GOD IS LIKE THAT. Just write that down.

3) Great! You’re almost there! Now how does your anecdote illustrate something about God? You can half-ass this part.

Today my roommate Lauren and I were in a coffee shop, when the couple at the table sitting next to us ordered sandwiches. They each took a bite, ate their potato chips, and left. Lauren and I looked at each other, picked up their sandwiches, cut off the bite marks, and ate them.

Sometimes God is like that. Lots of people can just throw away their blessings and don’t even realize what they have!   Look around your life. What perfectly good sandwiches has God placed in your path? What blessings have you asked God for and then completely ignored? Thank God for putting blessings in your life, and ask His forgiveness for the times you throw them away.

4) Optional: Prayer. You can also half-ass this part.

God, thank you for putting blessings in my life even when I am wasteful with them. Help me to see what you are doing in my life, and help me to use your gifts to the best of my abilities.

5) (Also optional) You can put a scripture reference there, but it can be totally random because no one is actually going to look it up. Mine is Ezekiel 23:4-6.

Okay, here’s the completed project.

Blessings

Memory Verse: Ezekiel 23:4-6

Today my roommate Lauren and I were in a coffee shop, when the couple at the table sitting next to us ordered sandwiches. They each took a bite, ate their potato chips, and left. Lauren and I looked at each other, picked up their sandwiches, cut off the bite marks, and ate them.

Sometimes God is like that. Lots of people can just throw away their blessings and don’t even realize what they have!   Look around your life. What perfectly good sandwiches has God placed in your path? What blessings have you asked God for and then completely ignored? Thank God for putting blessings in your life, and ask His forgiveness for the times you throw them away.

God, thank you for putting blessings in my life even when I am wasteful with them. Help me to see what you are doing in my life, and help me to use your gifts to the best of my abilities.

Rinse and repeat!

Every time someone sends in a devotional we’ll add it. We’re shooting for 365 because then we can do a yearlong devotional, so seasonal entries are welcome. Have a blessed day!